A Man Called (Part 2)

Well, it was not until I was 19 that I had my first woman. I got it from a seedy place in Manila, thanks or no thanks from the barkada who made sure I lost my virginity that soon (or late). But no, I wasn't proud of it. I found it wasn't as people got excited about. A rubbing of flesh against flesh and nothing more, or less.

Some would probably ask, what are you, some kind of a faggot? As if something were terribly wrong with being gay, but no, I wasn't one. I just thought there ought to be something more to it to make it worthwhile. Because later on, when I had had some more 'meaningful conquests' - if you'd like to put it that way, I still felt the same because I was convinced there was something more to it.

Meanwhile, at the back of my mind the 'cloth' remained a strong possibility. No, I never told anyone about it, not even Mom, who would have been immensely thrilled if she had known about it; not even my best friend, if I ever had one at that time in my life. Once, a friend, Just Aquino, asked me to go with him to a vocation seminar, but though it enjoyed it a lot, nothing in there moved me strong enough to follow through. Sex still had me transfixed in the world's path, although there was yet something that kept me from being, well, reckless.

Once, when I was nineteen, I had a fifteen year-old-girlfriend. Actually, she had a crush on me and I had a strong liking toward her because she talked way over her age and was very intelligent. One day, she went with me home and because there was no one home at the time, we went straight to my bedroom. There, she challenged me to play chicken. It turned out that chicken was to hold each other at the knee and alternately move upward asking "chicken" at each's turn. It was easy to catch on where this was leading to. I had to turn yellow.

Maybe I was afraid it was too early to make any commitment; maybe I was wary because she way too young, or maybe I was too good to take advantage of her. At any rate, a few weeks later, she unceremoniously dumped me. Probably because she couldn't have her way with me. It hurt my ego somewhat, but on second thought it was best over and done with. But some years later when a lovely, young but already of age woman took as keen an interest in me I, too, very discretely warded off her advances. I advised her to first make certain about her feelings toward me even as I admitted to her that I wasn't sure about what I felt toward her. No doubt she appreciated my gesture even if it certainly disappointed her and and after a few more meetings, we never saw each other again.

And then I fell in love.